After extensive library research in the archives I was able to find three authentic rejection letters from the past. Please learn from them so we don’t make the same mistakes.  Sal

Messrs. Plow & Fleece

Literary Agents

Ye Olde Lane

London

                                                                                                3 October 1604

Dear Sirs,

We regret that the manuscript submitted by your goodselves does not meet the criteria required for publication by our firm.

The author of the work in question “Hamlet, Prince of Denmark” has succumbed to the lure of excessive wordiness and has produced a piece which is highly overwritten and prolix-and it does not even rhyme ! He has also fallen into the elementary error of mixing genres, namely occult, murder mystery and sentimental romance all at once. We also feel that the love interest is not developed as the female lead has hardly enough screen time which means that we would not be able to persuade our prospective male star, Master Brad Pitte, to take on such an unbalanced role. One suggestion we have is for the piece to be rewritten with much more sword play so that it could be entirely oriented towards action-adventure, for which our modern 17^th century audience is ready and eager. Incidentally we like the kinky mother-son incest angle which could be made more explicit in a future version.

With compliments,

Ric. Greene & Company.

Publishers

–*–

Herman Melville Esq.                                                            1 June 1850

Dear sir,

Thank you for submitting your novel “Moby Dick”.

You must be kidding ha ha ! A book in which the main protagonist is a fish, however large, would be impossible to promote. Of course the fact that the fish is white, not of the usual dark hue, has a certain appeal in our racially segregated times and the role could be convincingly played in a well-padded costume by the renowned dick-head Brad Pitt Esq. for the movie tie-in. On balance however we must decline, as tragedy is not selling well this century. Perhaps if you could rewrite the whole 600 pages as a fish-comedy we could hold it over for John Cleese in the next.  

Thank you for thinking of us and we wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

Dick Greene and Co.

Publishers

Ms. Jane Austen,

The Manor,

Bingley-on-Wade

Sussex

                                                                                                7 May 1812

Dear Ms. Austen,

Despite our rejection of two earlier novels this is your third submission of a novel written in exactly the same mode, namely too much “telling” and not enough “showing”, which regrettably means that we must once again express our inability to act as your publishers. We do not understand why you insist on so little dramatic action in your novels and your conspicuous failure to include a sex scene or two even when the story line demands it, as in the eloping of Lydia with Mr. Whitman. Such reticence is not likely to make this book a best-seller.

We have taken the liberty however of showing the work to the Rt. Hon Brad Pitt, Thespian, and he has rather taken to the personage of Mr. Darcy, if only the role could be written with more profanity and in an art brut manner, which works better in cinema.

Please do not submit any more works to us until you are in a position to take heed of our well-meaning advice above.

Yours sincerely,

Richard Greene & Co. Ltd

Publishers

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your attempted submission. As we do not really accept translated works, we feel we will have to pass on this.

On a personal note, I feel that the story does not really merit translating into English in the first place, and I suggest you ask your money back from the translator, who has clearly ripped you off.

First of all, the title makes no sense, and upon reading some of the chapters, I must say that there is no apparent plot, a very confusing distortion of reality, and far too many characters bearing the same name.

The name should be changed to One Year of Solitude, as 100 years is clearly too long and depressing, and would upset our largest demographic, who are heavily medicated on prozac.

This work appears to have no target demographic, and therefore, will be impossible for anyone to appreciate.

I am sure you can appreciate the dilemma a publisher might face: the book is too long for the young adult market, it is too convulated for the airport/ beach holiday buyers, it is too depressing for upbeat people, serious readers will be turned off by the fantastically unrealistic events happening all too often, fantasy readers will hate the dearth of dragons, science fiction readers will soon notice there are no space ships involved, non fiction readers will question some of the highly dubious factual events reported in the story, our regular television audiance will just fail to understand more than one word in three, and Da Vinci code readers will be confused when General Aureliano turns out not to possess the holy grail.

I would at this time, like to suggest that you avail yourself of our editting service, at USD 5.99 per page, although we are offering a bulk discount rate of 3.99 per page on needlessly large works.

Thanks, etc, etc

Robert Agent

Walking through a forest a few months ago, I had to shake off the slight sense of panic that inevitably hits a Bangladeshi transplanted from the chaos of everyday life in South Asia to the eerie silence of the northern European woods.  I wasn’t worried about a mad hermit leaping out from behind one of the tall trees (after all, it wasn’t as if I was in America!).  I was simply overwhelmed by an unfamiliar yet powerful sense of isolation and displacement, one that brought on the fear of sensory deprivation, since I was in a place where I could not feel or hear even the distant stirrings of “civilisation” (defined, of course, by proximity to traffic noise!)

Yet as I soothed my nameless fears, I quickly became aware that this was not a question of deprivation, sensory or otherwise; it was simply a different world, one we have almost relegated to tribal memory in our part of the world.  One where I could feel the mossy softness of the emerald forest floor underfoot, observe with interest the tiny purple, white and yellow flowers scattered in the towering pines, experience the sensuous pleasure of the wild blueberries exploding on my tongue, and enjoy the dappled play of light and shadows as the occasional ray of bright sunlight broke through the thickness of the forest canopy overhead.  The clarity of the birdsong that could be heard throughout our trip made me sad to think how much we have lost in the crazy jigsaw that makes up the urban sprawl of my hometown.

Then again, seeking a more optimistic note, I reminded myself that there are always things to observe - and sometimes even to enjoy - no matter how alien to nature our actual surroundings might be… Human beings are adaptable that way! And above all, one must never underestimate the pleasures of the surreal:

http://www.thedailystar.net/magazine/2009/06/03/food.htm

Thanks to all those who attended our website launch! The level of interest in Bangali writing was much greater than we ever expected. It was very heartening to get such a warm welcome. 

 http://thedailystar.net/magazine/2009/06/03/writers_block.htm

 http://www.newagebd.com/2009/jun/19/jun19/xtra_also2.html

http://www.thefinancialexpress-bd.com/2009/06/15/69842.html

We launched this website mainly to spread the words of our members but so many non-member writers expressed interest in our site that we are now developing a second, interactive part to our website.  We would like to invite all Bangali writers to join and become part of our growing community.  Stay tuned for more information!